Why does it feel like I am giving up?
Posted on April 18, 2008 - Filed Under Health, General
This week I received a parcel of books and pamphlets from my specialist ..all about my health problems and ways for me to cope better on a day to day basis.
If I am honest I have been living in a world of denial lately. I have been kidding myself that things have not been getting any worse and that of course I am NOT having any trouble coping when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.
Realistically things have been getting just that much harder for a little while now but I have become quite apt at hiding it..or so I thought, apparently my specialist is a wake up to my ploy and now after a discussion about it with TETB so is he.
I have noticed that I have been having lots of problems with a lack of strength in my hands and find things like turning taps on and off and opening bottles and cans that much more difficult than they used to be. I thought I had been hiding it well by buying myself a new set of very sharp knives and always trying to buy cans that have a ring pull as I find manipulating the can openener nigh on impossible. I have been yelling at the boys and telling them off for turning the taps off too tight and telling them that,” they will ruin the washers so stop it!” when I am really hoping they will just stop so I can actually manage turn them on and off to have a shower and do the washing and the dishes.
Apparently there are many little devices especially designed for people with Rheumatoid Arthritis that can help me with problems just like these..so why do I feel so bloody awful about using them (and any other help that is offered) ? Why do I feel like if I do then I am giving in and admitting defeat? Why can’t I just accept that the time has come for me to acknowledge that yes, maybe I do need to put up my hand sometimes ( chance would be a fine thing..most days I can’t raise it more than a few inches LOL!) and ask for a little assistance?
I really don’t like the idea of it all and I can’t really put into words why it bothers me so much. The specialist has been at me for years now to have a special parking permit and some home help and I really can’t come to terms with the thought of that either, I really can’t justify taking a park or a helper off someone that might need it more than me?
Maybe that is the problem. One of the coping mechanisms I have used since being diagnosed over 18 years ago, is to tell myself, “That there is always someone worse off than me!” In doing this I think I have tried to fool myself that I have not been becoming steadily worse.
So I guess I need to find a way to give in a little without actually feeling like I am giving up.
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6 Responses to “Why does it feel like I am giving up?”
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Oh MGL - sorry I didn’t realise you had posted some new posts of late - you must have slipped through my “oops I am on holidays and will wipe bloglines” filter.
How hard to deal with the trifecta that you have in your lap (and ankles, wrists, back and - well, all over).
I think you should start looking at the help things - if it makes you feel any better (mentally and emotionally) review them for us here, design better ways to use them, run polls on how to funk them up - even create completely new ideas for improving the life.
I truly wish there was something I could do (I am close, but not enough to take the jar lids off) but I am willing to offer cyber support.
Thanks so much Jeanie,your kind words mean so much to me.
For some reason I have a problem talking about my lack of coping (guess that is not unusual)I am probably trying to kid myself that things are not as bad as they actually are.
I think maybe I should use this blog as an outlet..a place to speak openly and honestly about my hopes and fears and even my few and very far between triumphs!
Hopefully my friends here will humour me and allow me to do this and hopefully if they find my self pity a little too hard to swallow they will look beyond those to my less dreary posts
I let the Doctor sign a temporary parking permit and it is the best thing I have ever done.
I use it for the bad days or when shopping because pushing a loaded trolley kms around a car park is bloody hard.
Accept it….you don’t have to use it.
keep that chin high! i know what it’s like tho, i have the same problems with my hands.. i have learned to just hand things over to my husband to open.. he has changed the innards to all the taps so that they turn on and off easier. even so, i have to remind him every so often to leave things only just off.. sometimes i have had to leave a jar till he comes home, and he is quite sheepish about having tightened it too much..
it ain’t easy hey?
but use those things! why not make life easier.. i even put stuff like coffee into other containers that i can open easily myself. (i dislike those Nescafe jars with those big twist off caps) it’s not giving up, it’s learning to live with what we have..
Thanks Heather and Zen, I know you are both right deep down inside…I just have to bring myself to admitting that perhaps I am not as perfect as I used to be LOL
MGL - sorry to hear of your difficulties. I agree use these things to make your life easier.
It isn’t admitting defeat it is accepting your abilities.
Have you used a nifty little piece of ‘grip mat’ to help your hands grip someone I know swears by it for their arthritis. You can buy it on a roll and cut into pieces and Tupperware make a jar opener (square piece of flexible plastic -that does the same job)